Jonathan's Legacy Page 14

  “You still haven’t found anything?” Adam’s mom asked.

  Adam shook his head. “No, it’s almost impossible to find a short-term lease anywhere.”

  “I know this isn’t the neighborhood of choice for today’s young urban professionals, but there’s an apartment available next door. It’s not much, but maybe you can make it work if it’s only for a short time?”

  Marc was responsive to the idea, having grown up in suburbia himself. “Yes, I think we’d love to have a look at it? What do you say, Hwan?”

  “You call him Hwan?” Adam’s father was surprised, and it made Marc blush.

  “Well, I, uh, when he met, he introduced himself with his full name. I kind of like Hwan. I am aware that no one else uses it in our family or circle of friends, but it’s a kind of term of endearment.”

  “You know it means ‘shining’ or ‘bright’ in our language.”

  “Yes, he told me so.” Marc smiled, loving the fact that often enough, names in other languages held a special meaning, while Christian countries often derived their names from the Bible, much like himself. “And if I may say so, Adam really is the shining light of my life. I’m very grateful for having found him.”

  “So, Adam,” his father continued, “do you plan to marry anytime soon?”

  Adam had to cough at the question, and he and Marc exchanged some panicked glances.

  “Dad,” Adam began slowly, not really sure what to say. “We, uh…” He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. He just didn’t have the answer. They hadn’t talked about it.

  Marc jumped to his rescue. “Mr. Kim—”

  “Dad, call me Dad.”

  Marc blushed again. This was all happening a bit too quickly for comfort. “I’m sorry, Mr. Kim…Dad, I lost my first husband only a year and a half ago, and I’m not sure I’m ready for another marriage. It was through grief counseling that I met Adam. In time, I’m sure, I’d love to marry him, but we haven’t really discussed it.”

  “Maybe you should. I don’t have that much time left.”

  “I appreciate that, I really do, but please understand this is our life we’re talking about.”

  Adam had found his voice again. “Dad, please, just drop it. In time, when we are ready, Marc and I will certainly talk about the option of getting married, but not under pressure. Besides, what difference does it make to you whether I’m married or not?”

  “The Scriptures—”

  Adam interrupted him. “Dad, please. I know you’re sick, but you also know that our past cannot be erased with the gestures of the past couple of weeks or today. This all begins to smell more and more like a setup for your benefit rather than to genuinely rectify the mistakes of your past. And I won’t let you do that, not to me, not to Marc, and most certainly not to Josh.” He got up from his chair and turned to Marc and Josh on the couch. “Guys, come on, let’s go.”

  Josh almost flew off the couch, trailing after Adam, while Marc got up and turned to Adam’s parents, who sat in silence. “I’m sorry about this. Have a nice day.” He turned around and followed Adam and Josh out into the hallway. They grabbed their jackets from the bedroom, put on their shoes, and left the apartment without saying another word.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 17 - Parents

  “Can we talk?” Adam’s father didn’t wait for any hellos when he called Adam that same night.

  “What’s there to talk about?” Adam had still not recovered from the afternoon. He was angry and hurt.

  “Please, Adam. I’m sorry things got ugly today. Please, let’s meet and talk.” His father’s voice sounded genuine enough, and Adam felt his anger dissipate. The fact his father only had months to live probably played a part.

  “Okay, but I think we should do this out in the open, on neutral ground. Why don’t you come down to the Bean tomorrow? We can go have a walk in the park and grab something to eat? Is noon okay for you guys?”

  “Thank you, son. Yes, noon is fine. We’ll see you tomorrow, then. Give our best to Marc and Josh.” He hung up, and Adam saw his dad’s face disappear from the vid-screen. He’d looked old again—no wonder with how things were going. He felt a tinge of the pain he was sure his father must’ve felt because of his illness, and intertwined was the hurt of all the years of abandonment, resentment, and all the other emotions Adam had felt since he’d been forced out of his parents’ apartment.

  “Who was that?” Marc asked.

  “Dad. He apologized for today. They want to meet tomorrow for lunch.”

  “You agreed?”

  Adam nodded. “What else can I do? He’s dying. And if they truly are sorry, I think I owe it to them to give them a second chance.”

  “Second? This is more like the fourth of fifth.”

  “I know, but they’re my parents, and family is important to me.”

  Marc crossed the distance to Adam and hugged him from behind, holding him tight. “I understand, Hwan, I really do. I think I’d feel the same, and I think you’re doing the right thing. Want me to come along?”

  Adam shook his head. “I think this is something I need to do on my own. Besides, we don’t know what they really want. I don’t want to subject you to any more of their manipulation. My parents were raised in a culture where family is everything, and where honor is paramount. Put family and honor together, and you get a very powerful, and potentially very destructive cocktail. My parents felt that their family honor was shattered when I came out. They felt a sense of shame and failure that is hard to fathom for someone who wasn’t raised in this culture. Family, and the survival of it, implies children still require a father and a mother. When a child comes out as gay, the very fabric of what constitutes a family is threatened.”

  “But there’s adoption, and not all straight couples can be parents.”

  “True enough, and when a straight couple is childless for any other reason than medical, there is also a great sense of shame, because just like being gay, parents feel guilt for having failed in their role to raise good members of society. Children who bear forth the next generation continue the family line. They also view being gay as a choice, and a very egotistical choice at that, just as being voluntarily childless. To put yourself and your own needs before the needs of the family is pretty much the worst offense you can imagine.”

  “Yet oddly, they seemed to have no trouble with Josh today, or me.”

  “That’s what’s puzzling me. I can’t make heads or tails of it. Is this just an attempt to salvage what is salvageable of the family, or have they truly had a change of heart? It seemed fake today, particularly when they put our wedding in relation to their own life span. Then again, even though we’ve had this fragile relationship over the past few years, I really don’t know my parents anymore. We meet, we have lunch, we talk about trivial stuff, they show interest in my work, but it never goes beyond that. Ever.”

  “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Hwan. Your parents are very proud of you.”

  “Proud of my career, yes, proud of my accomplishments as a doctor. We rarely talk about anything personal, though, not beyond furniture and food. It was only after my visit two weeks ago that we talked about my life in earnest, or so I thought. After today, I’m not so sure. I’m afraid it was all just a ruse to get me to get married so that dad can die knowing his family honor wasn’t completely in shambles.

  “Look at it from my point of view. Asian man finally realizes his gay son isn’t going to marry a girl after all, despite years of hope, so he clings to the last best hope he has, and that is to at least see him marry a man and adopt a child, so that the family honor is not completely wiped out before he faces Saint Peter. Better to have an adopted grandchild than none at all. Honestly, I fear that the only reason they tolerate you and I as a couple is because of Josh. Had it just been you, I doubt we’d even be having this discussion.”

  “Don’t be so pessimistic, Hwan. Your parents have lived their entire life in this country. Surely som
ething of our culture must’ve rubbed off on them?”

  Adam simply shrugged, but Marc didn’t give up.

  “We may be a product of the culture we grew up in, but that doesn’t mean we’re slaves to that culture. After all, we are human, and we do have a choice. Maybe your parents have had a change of heart, for real. Won’t you at least entertain that possibility?”

  Adam turned in Marc’s embrace and kissed him. Then he looked him deeply in the eyes and said, “This is why I love you so much, Marc Duchesne. You always have the right words at the right time, and I adore your optimism. Let’s see what they have to say tomorrow. I’ll keep an open mind, that’s all I can do. And I promise to protect you and Josh, come what may. You are my family, and just like my parents, I take my family very seriously.”

  “Speaking of family. We live together, but would you want to marry me?” Marc’s eyes were reflecting the conflicting emotions running through his mind—a mix of despair and hope.

  “Oh, Marc, of course I want to marry you. It’s just there’s been so much going on with Parker, Cody, their kids, the fire, the house, Josh… We’ve never really had the chance to sit down and talk. Plus, I’m kind of a romantic. I’d like to propose properly to you, not just stand here and hash out a compromise that will eventually lead us to city hall.”

  Marc smiled and kissed Adam. “Kim Hwan, a romantic, who’d have thought it?”

  “That’s one of the advantages of living with me. You get to know me, bit by bit.”

  ***

  “Adam?” A voice called out to him as he sat on a bench in Millennium Park, absentmindedly watching the people surrounding the Bean. It was a beautiful late June day in Chicago, and tourists and locals alike flocked to the park with the famous sculpture, seeking to find their reflection on the smooth silver surface, laughing, taking pictures, enjoying the warm sun. Adam turned around and saw his parents approach from the side. He got up and walked over to them, greeting his mother with a hug and his dad with a nod.

  “Want to go for a walk?” He pointed toward the park.

  “Do you mind if we talk a bit first?” his dad asked, gesturing back to the park bench where Adam had been sitting.

  “Sure.” He turned and led the way back to the bench and sat down in the middle, allowing for his father and mother to sit on either side.

  “Isn’t it beautiful?” he said, pointing to the Bean, or Cloud Gate, as the sculpture was officially called. “I love the smooth surface, seeing my reflection in it. Can you see us, up there to the right?” He indicated toward the middle of the silver sculpture, in which the reflection of the park was visible, along with the bench they sat on.

  “Hwan, Adam, we need to talk,” his mother said sternly, making Adam blush. He’d been caught red-handed, trying to avoid the reason they’d come here by making idle conversation. Typical for his mother to call him out on it.

  “Sure, Mom, go ahead. You wanted to see me. What’s on your mind?”

  His father answered instead, looking Adam directly in the eyes. “Son, like I said on the phone yesterday, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to push you or Marc. My question about your marriage was really of pure interest. I’m a father, and you may call me old-fashioned, but isn’t it still customary for lovers to get married eventually, straight or not?”

  Adam shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Please, Adam, give your father a chance. He’s trying,” his mother admonished him. “This isn’t easy for him. In fact, it isn’t easy for either of us. There is no manual for dealing with this, and we are as much at a loss as any parent with a gay child.”

  Adam couldn’t help but retort with a snotty remark. “True enough, but most parents don’t kick their child to the curb.” His words came across harshly and made his mother start crying.

  His dad continued. “I know we made a terrible mistake, and I’m also aware that we, as a family, never really talked about it. After my heart attack, when you came back into our lives, we sort of avoided the subject altogether, out of cowardice or fear, who knows? I think it’s safe to say that at least some blame for that falls on all three of us. You could’ve forced the issue as much as us.

  “I’m sorry, and I would like to apologize to you, son, for what we did to you as a child, for not accepting you for who you are, not loving you, for not being at your side when you needed us the most, for being blind, short-sighted, narrow-minded…

  “Both your mother and I are truly sorry for all that. You are our only child, and we love you, even though this is something we have never really told you nor shown through our actions. But we are very proud of you and your achievements, particularly in light of what you had to endure as a child.”

  Adam felt a big lump grow in his chest, and he wondered if maybe his father was sincere after all.

  “You know, son, when you put off something for such a long time and don’t deal with it, even the tiniest wound will grow larger, heavier, get infected, making it more and more difficult to tackle, impossible even, over time. But the wound inflicted on you was a big one, and it grew. It got really bad, and the longer we waited the more difficult it got to deal with it, so we just ignored it. We ignored it until we realized that I was dying. Son, even if I were to live for another ten or twenty years, your mother may not have that time. As her dementia progresses, she’ll begin to forget, forget what happened, forget you, and me.

  “This is why we began to talk to each other. At first, and we took a long, hard look at ourselves, our beliefs, convictions. We also talked to our pastor, a young, very pleasant man from Busan. He’s about your age, and he has some very interesting ideas. He taught us to forgive, and that we shouldn’t take dogma too literally. It seems that even back home in Korea, things have changed, and gay people aren’t ostracized anymore. He’s helped us realize that there are different ways to interpret the Scriptures, and that maybe our biggest test in this existence is to have a gay son, and we failed that test.”

  Adam listened intently to what his father was saying, stoic on the outside, staring at the Bean, but inside of him, his entire being was in turmoil as his mother continued to elaborate on her husband’s point.

  “What your father is trying to say is that we are struggling. We’re old. We were brought up in a world that provided simple truths, easy answers, well-laid-out paths on what to do and how to do it. When you came out to us, we panicked, because what you were didn’t exist in our manual. It ripped out entire chapters in the book of our life. I’d have no daughter-in-law to pass our family recipes on to, there would be no grandchildren to pamper, and we lashed out in despair, and you suffered for it.

  “I remember the pain when you left the house, I remember the tears I cried, the loss of my child, my hatred of a god that made me do all this. But I was so convinced that I had to do what we did. Even though every fiber of my being tried to tell me something else, it broke my heart. I can only imagine how you must have felt, and that breaks my heart all over again, just thinking about it.”

  Adam looked at his mom and tried to say something, but she put her hand gently to his mouth. “No, please, Hwan, I need you to hear this. Your father and I were wrong. The Church is wrong, and even if it means that I get to spend eternity in hell, I’d much rather spend what is left of my existence here on Earth with you, to get to know you again, who you really are. Now, I’ll grant you that our beliefs have changed, and we no longer believe that either you or we will end up in eternal damnation. Our young pastor has really opened our hearts over the past couple of years, and we are still learning.”

  Adam’s father continued. “The point here is, Adam, we are sorry. And we hope that you have enough faith left in us to believe us. What happened yesterday was the product of us never really having talked about the past, never trying to close the wounds we ripped open when we did the unspeakable, when we abandoned you. This is why we are here today, to try to begin the process. Because if we are to be a family, proud parents and son, we needed to take that first step. What c
omes of it is up to you. Will you give us—” he pointed to himself and his wife “—a second chance at truly healing?”

  Adam was stunned. He had never even entertained the idea that his parents would re-evaluate their beliefs, or that they might embrace him for who he was. “I, uh, don’t know what to say…”

  “That’s to be expected, particularly after yesterday’s events. I guess we were pushing, asking for too much, too quickly. Marc must think we’re quite the circus act.”

  Adam shook his head. “You don’t give him enough credit. He wanted to be here today, at my side, and he thinks you deserve another chance. He is an amazing man, so wise. And he’s been through so much.”

  “You mentioned something yesterday. He was your patient?”

  “Yes, but not because he is mentally ill. He came to me after a panic attack induced by all the grief he’d been through. He lost his husband on their wedding day.” His mother looked at him with a puzzled look. “His first husband was much older—older than you are, in fact. Marc might tell you one day… Anyway, a few months after his husband’s death, things got to be too much, and Marc was admitted to the hospital where I work, and we began grief-counseling sessions.”

  “But isn’t that unethical?” Adam’s father asked.

  “You mean to fall in love with a patient?” Adam had to laugh at the memory. “It would be, if he had still been a patient. But he wasn’t, not really. Story of my life, to fall for someone like Marc. We’ve known each other for over a year now, and we’ve only just recently taken things to a serious level, moving in with each other. I don’t know how to even put words to it. Our love is strong, and stable, but I guess it was never a cloud-nine infatuation, never the emotional roller coaster that so many young people experience. We became friends and grew on each other, until we one day realized we were in love. I’m not sure if that makes sense?” His father nodded, and his mother smiled, putting her hand on Adam’s cheek, stroking it.